Could we have Kippers for breakfast?

I like to think I was well brought up.  My father had very high standards of honesty and decency which at times I found it difficult to live up to.  He was also quite autocratic and could be domineering, but none of us is perfect.

One of the things which was drummed into us at an early age was how to behave with people who were different from us.  Don't stare, don't point, don't giggle, don't say anything rude or upsetting, don't mock the afflicted whoever they may be.  I have to confess to not being above the odd bit of Schadenfreude now and again and I enjoy brief bursts of You've Been Framed, but generally I still try to respect the differences of others, and not take any notice of them (their differences not the people themselves.)

It was with some shame therefore that I found myself laughing out loud this (Saturday) afternoon. I had just regained consciousness after my customary siesta and was flicking through the TV channels and bracing myself before going out and throwing a ball for Spike our Patterdale terrier. I chanced upon the BBC Parliament Channel, which is relatively easy for us because here in rural Cumbria, hidden away behind a hill and unable to have direct sight of a proper TV transmitter we have to make do with the limited service from a local booster.  

And guess what was on.  The UKIP Party Conference from Bournemouth.  

Now I had only just recovered from hearing that The Chief Weasel had been skinny dipping the night before, and with that image still burned into my synapses, I happened upon the conference. It appeared to be taking place in a smallish hall and on the stage was a group of individuals of indeterminate age.  In front of them was a man waving enthusiastically.  As I turned the sound up I realised they were singing, not well, but definitely singing.  The familiar strains of the opening to Jerusalem seeped out of the PA system, and they broke into that familiar hymn.  I realised I had stumbled upon the closing ceremony to the UKIP conference. Let me tell you, Rio it wasn't.  

As they limped their way through the well known words I realised what it reminded me of. Imagine a coach load of pensioners who have been on a day trip and who have prevailed upon their driver to stop at Watford Gap so that those with weaker bladders can avail themselves of the facilities thus allowing them to finish their trip in relative comfort.  As they are standing round waiting for the last few to dribble back, the coach driver suggests a sing-song to keep their spirits up.  They launch into a few patriotic songs and some even have a decent stab at the tune.  This my friends was the UKIP choir.  

Having watched Gareth Malone on the BBC I know it is possible to create a very acceptable ensemble out of the most unpromising material.  What soon became clear was that if this was the best that UKIP could manage even he would have had his work cut out.  They appeared not to have rehearsed at all and what singing there was was in (approximate) unison, with what sounded like one tenor trying manfully to add some musicality to their efforts.  Now I cannot talk as I am no singer, but neither am I in a choir.  I sing for myself and do not, generally, inflict my efforts on others.

They struggled to the end of Jerusalem and then the Chief Waver announced that they were going to do Land of Hope and Glory, just like they do it at the Last Night of the Proms, complete with humming and knee bending.  And so they did.  

Well if anything were to make our breasts swell with pride and strike fear into the hearts of our enemy, this was not it.  There is quite a bit of instrumental stuff in this tune, and despite the fact that it was a karaoke version, with a pre-recorded backing track, the Chief Waver kept on waving his arms, as if practising in front of the mirror in his bedroom.  When it got to the humming bit, a strange mooing noise emerged from the assembled chorus, and then glory be they did the knee-bend bit.

Well laugh? I nearly shat (to quote Derek and Clive, for those of you old enough to remember them).  Firstly, many of those who still possessed functioning knee joints demonstrated, almost to a gentleman or lady, that they did not have a sense of rhythm. As one went up another would be on the way down and a third somewhere between the two.  It was like watching an oscilloscope displaying a complex wave form. Many however had knees which could no longer be relied upon, so they resorted to other methods of punctuating their performance.  Some waved hopefully, others shook their heads, and one very elderly lady patted the front of her skirt. 

I understand that at the beginning of their set they sang a version of 'Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler?' with witty lyrics beginning 'Who do you think you are kidding Mr Cameron?' and no doubt continuing in a similar side-splitting manner. This is already available on YouTube but sadly I cannot find their stab at Land of Hope and Glory, otherwise I would share it with you. The BBC have much of the conference available on iPlayer but their final clip seems to end just before the choir took to the stage while they were discussing foreign aid.  And if you want to be disgusted, rather than amused, can I recommend you watch that.  Maybe the BBC took pity on them, which given their recent political bias would not surprise me, or maybe they have sold it to Harry Hill for £250 to be shown endlessly on You've Been Framed. 

I really shouldn't mock but I can't help it.  UKIP is a disgusting nationalistic, racist, divisive party. They would argue that they have members of many ethnicities, and I would reply that bigotry takes many forms and is not the sole preserve of white Anglo-Saxons.  It wants, nay demands that it be taken seriously.  Well let me tell you, on the showing today there is zero chance of that. As a rallying point for British nationalists the only way in which their conference resembled one of those great gatherings of nationalistic hubris, the Nuremberg rallies was that many of the members in Bournemouth looked old enough to have attended the originals in Germany. 

The Chief Weasel, once he had dried himself off and put his trousers back on, announced that he is to tour Europe and do his best to destroy the EU by encouraging those sceptics in other member states to follow his lead and try and force their countries out.  God he is an annoying little tick, isn't he?  It really is none of his business.

UKIP want to be taken seriously. Well they really need to get their act together.  What I saw of the conference, culminating in the fabulous closing ceremony, would have embarrassed a parish council, charged with organising a village fete.  They were a one issue party, they have succeeded in their aim of getting us out of the EU, now could they just please bugger off and leave us to clear up the mess.